Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
By Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances. Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions. Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others. Spiritual boundaries help us to distinguish God’s will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator. Often, Christians focus so much on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limits and limitations.
Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend offer biblically-based answers to these and other tough questions in Boundaries, showing us how to set healthy boundaries with our parents, spouses, children, friends, co-workers, and even ourselves.
My Review:
I absolutely love this book! Boundaries is an answered prayer and a sanity refresher. It has given me the ultimate motivation to level up and not feel guilty about adding balance to my life.
Because I aim to live a selfless life, I often felt that by saying “no” and creating boundaries I would end up hurting others and destroying many relationships. Attempting to establish boundaries led me to feel guilty and selfish. However, this book revealed a huge myth that I’d been living with. I learned the difference between selfishness and stewardship.
In Boundaries, Henry Cloud does an exceptional job enlightening readers of the power and freedom that is gained by simply placing boundaries in specific areas of life. I loved that he relies heavily on biblical scriptures to support the book’s text. It provided clear confirmation that having boundaries does not make me selfish or non-Christian. It simply empowers me to love and live freely, responsibly and without guilt and exhaustion!
In reading this, I learned that people who cannot accept or respect some of my “no’s” are the people who I clearly don’t need in my life. Those people usually disappear or frequently become emotional when their manipulation power is no longer valid.
Although that’s a hard reality, I’ve learned to be ok with that.
Applying This Book to My Life
In applying the tools I’ve learned in the book, I simply created a list of things I value. I’ve placed that list in order of importance and wrote rules that I say no to without hesitation and things I strongly consider. I’ve also created a list of things that I typically don’t like to engage in or cause me stress. I’m an introverted extrovert (many disagree, lol), so I need my time away from outside chaos. (I have enough chaos with keeping all the little people alive and well!)
I also established some pre-typed text messages, speeches and lines that I use for recurring requests, and more, to place strong boundaries around certain things. I was once in a place where I was not the healthiest version of myself, and most of it stemmed from having minimum boundaries. Now, because of this book, I’m constantly taking control over my own life — not guiltying myself into saying “yes” to things or people who inconvenience or distract me from doing what God has called me to do first or things that are priority for The Davis’ family.
I’ve skimmed through this book over and over for the years. It’s so important to keep it fresh on my mind. After moving from city to city (one out of the 10 times), I misplaced it in the shuffle. During a time when I was significantly struggling with having “boundaries”, one of my favorite girls (@BrittBreezie ?) got me a new one! I’m actually currently refreshing up on this one at the moment. This time around, I read it with a different approach. I’m all about my boundaries now!
Surrounding myself with people of like-minded faith has positively shaped my walk with God and how I interact with the world around me. My faith community has been instrumental in my growth, accountability, and discipleship.
These relationships with those who share my faith have exposed me to challenges and Christian models to follow and not to follow. I am constantly reminded not to become content in my walk with God because it’s an ongoing pursuit. There is no finish line in pursuing God; He’s much too big to know everything about in this lifetime. I choose to focus on seeking him more in ways that are simple and tangible for me.
There are three ways I choose to strengthen my relationship with God.
I build myself up through worship music. I feel at peace, connected to the vine (God) and in communication with Him.
I pray. Prayer is another important piece. I love being vulnerable and intimate with God. Often when I can’t put my prayers into words, I just surrender my heart, thoughts, and emotions to Him.
I read God’s word. As a busy mom of four, designating time for this is often a daily struggle. However, whether I read a scripture, full passage, or watch Superbook with my kids, I cling to the message regardless of its length or depth. These things equip me to encourage myself and others.
I’m a firm believer that your faith community should consist of someone walking above you (a spiritual mentor), next to you (an accountability partner, friend, or someone going through the same stage of life as you), and someone following you (who you are investing in or discipling who may not be a believer, or is a new believer with a ton of questions). I strive to continually grow and live accountability, while serving God and others faithfully. Having these people, who are in different stages of their faith walk, allows me to see faith in action and exercise my own faith.
By having a strong faith community, my walk with God has been changed in the best way! Even in these three little methods, I feel myself getting closer to Him daily. I know that this is a continuous journey, which is why I stress the importance of a faith community. The same way a blood related family works to build and grow, your faith community should, too.
Apologizing and extending forgiveness are extremely hard, but necessary life skills to master.
For some, apologizing is easy, and they are quick to own their mistakes and learn from them. For others, it can be challenging. As a recovering perfectionist, people pleaser, and rule follower, it’s hard for me to dismiss that I’m not always a Saint (although we play for the SAINTS).
I’m learning to apologize, even when I’m convinced it’s not my fault and forgive, even the ones I feel like don’t deserve it. This doesn’t alter boundaries I’ve established but reminds me that Christian people aren’t perfect people. Who am I to judge as God forgives me endlessly when I am undeserving? Recently, I stumbled across a post from Lysa Terkeurst that says, “Part of what makes forgiveness seem unfair is that I’m utterly convinced I’m the Saint and they are the sinner. When in reality Jesus is asking me simply to be the servant.” Ouch, this was convicting. Over the years I’ve gained the maturity and wisdom to understand that apologizing and extending forgiveness is freeing.
This freedom has translated into the way I parent. I teach my children to respect authority, individuals’ boundaries, and people in general. I also remind them that they too are due respect, despite their age. They are little humans, not doormats or robots. I work to respect my kids as full humans by stewarding and teaching them God’s truths. I strongly believe you have to display respect to receive it; respect is not based on age. I talk with my little people, apologizing and requesting forgiveness when I’m not patient, raise my voice too often, or choose discipline actions out of pure frustration, instead of clearly thinking out the punishment.
A distracted parent is a frustrated parent– and often when I’m distracted (by chores, my phone, different assignments) I don’t always display grace. When my actions unintentionally crush their little feelings, we address it! Additionally, I tell them when mommy has made a mistake in parenting, what leads to that mistake, and how we can work together to establish preventative methods. I grant them the freedom to respectfully express their thoughts and emotions. They’re very young and do not understand everything, but I’m attempting to build habits and routines now for more extreme cases in the future.
As we regularly exercise this in our home, we witness and encourage our kids to model these approaches with each other, and others they encounter. This method, in my opinion, creates less space for nurturing grudges and anger. Parenting is hard and the weight of responsibility makes me doubt myself at times. Establish these principles in your home and the changes you’ll see in your family. God always grants me grace, forgiveness, and unconditional love, and I then make a conscious effort to grant those exact same things to my family daily.
Growing a family is a challenge, especially in the NFL spotlight. It requires an abundance of sacrifice, time, and tear-filled pep talks to yourself in the car. Often, my thoughts and emotions are all over the place. I can’t begin to process how people navigate living inside this space without a relationship with Christ.
Football is what we do, not who we are. It is our platform and a job that at some point will end. When that time comes, our family will still have each other. I work to maintain proper perspective by first pursuing my relationship with Christ, then my relationships with my husband, Demario, my children, and then everything else. This has helped me establish boundaries to prevent outside distractions. Society has changed drastically in the last few decades, both inside and outside of the NFL. There are many interferences working to stand in the way of the time we could be spending with God and each other. As a family, we’re constantly reestablishing boundaries to remain intentional about our relationships in all the chaos.
For example, during the season, my husband and I have a weekly date night, and commit to an hour daily of heartfelt conversation before bed. As a family, we spend at least 15 minutes together in the mornings and evenings. Some ways we like to do that are by having the kids hang out in bed with us, by brushing our teeth together, or watching a worship video on YouTube. We also eat dinner together outside the house one night a week. When things become too chaotic to stay on routine, we adjust. We shut down the noise, prioritize, and pull out our Boundaries book (more about it below)! We do all this to be the best versions of ourselves for each other, our family, and our assignments.
https://gph.is/g/ajmP6zx
There was a time when we felt obligated to all those activities, but that was a lose-lose situation. We quickly learned that no matter what we do, it will NEVER be enough. People have placed so many unfair expectations on us, and when those expectations aren’t met, they become angry, distant, and harsh.
I’ll leave you with two great resources that have helped me on this path of intentionality:
These are two books I’ll never forget! We’ve learned to protect our energy, establish reasonable boundaries and not allow people to pressure us into things we don’t want or feel led to do! Talk about growth, especially for me! The freedom is unreal and the only expectations I’m aiming to meet these days are my Father’s. That’s all that will really matter at the end of this lifetime anyway!
Dairy, like cow’s milk or yogurt, has been known to cause inflammation, gas and a myriad of other uncomfortable symptoms. Adjusting your diet doesn’t mean you have to compromise on flavor. With some planning and a little creativity, making the swap to dairy-free can be effortless.
Here are six alternatives (and a surprising treat!) that you can incorporate into your everyday life with your next trip to the grocery store!
Earth Balance butter:
I use this to cook pretty much everything — from breakfast to dessert! This butter substitute is a great alternative and super yummy! You can find it in a spread or sticks. We leave a stick out to soften for bread for the week and everyone enjoys it!
Daiya cheese slices and shredded cheese:
Like most kids, my kids love cheese! However, it typically does not end well for any of us when they indulge. I love using Daiya cheese to make grilled cheese sandwiches, mac & cheese, and with crackers for a snack. It’s made with pea protein, which is full of iron, and is easily digestible. I really like this cheese because it melts nicely and my kids love it, which is a win for me!
Almond milk:
We use almond milk for our cereal, baking and any recipes I use that require milk. I love the smooth taste, and it’s the only milk I’ve drank and not gagged since childhood! It’s especially delicious for dipping cookies into!
Vanilla oat milk creamer:
Several brands make their own variation of this creamer.So Delicious has one made with pea protein and cane sugar. It’s flavorful and smooth! I use it for coffee and in the mix for my French Toast (recipe coming soon).
So Delicious ice cream and ice cream sandwiches:
These are a great anytime treat. I even use the ice cream to make my homemade ice cream cake (recipe coming soon). I love that I can get the satisfaction of ice cream without the guilt, gas and eczema outbreak later!
And …
Oreos:
Shocking, I know, but Daddy and the kids love these cookies, and I was surprised to learn that Oreos are vegan! We use them as a snack, good behavior incentives, baking, and of course, with ice cream!
Making healthy food swaps doesn’t mean sacrificing flavor! There are so many alternatives to try beyond this list that your family might love. Plus, new vegan snacks and foods are becoming more popular than ever, so the options are endless. Be on the lookout for recipes, like my delicious French Toast and my highly requested homemade ice cream cake, both of which incorporate some of these alternatives.
Enjoy a space to connect, be empowered and educated to seek Jesus wholeheartedly, identify blind spots, seek growth, learn to love, forgive, laugh, cook amazing food, and understand that living the in the spotlight is not always roses & candy.
