Marriage gets tested receptively! There are sweet spots, rough spots, and times you want to be finished because you feel you must journey through things you didn’t sign up for. On the wedding day, no one knows just how good their good times will be or how daunting their worst times will be. The secret to being ready for whatever comes? Clinging to God in both times of joy and times of hardships.
One of the major resources my husband and I turn to first is marriage counseling—and I’m not talking about “this is our last straw, things are obviously terrible right now” counseling. I’m talking about benefiting from counseling even when things appear to be going well. We like to go to a counselor at least twice a year, even when no issues have surfaced. Just because you don’t hate each other and aren’t arguing all the time does not guarantee there aren’t any hidden issues. A trusted counselor could help you identify the things you’ve improperly learned to disregard or misplace.
When we’re not turning to counsel, there are a number of resources we keep in reach to both revive and enlighten us on a regular basis. Especially during times our marriage has hit a rough patch, these resources have proved their value in more ways than one.
Here are 4 books and 3 podcasts to add to your resource list of places to find healthy marriage tips and lessons:
About The Book: Falling in love is easy. Staying in love—that’s the challenge. How can you keep your relationship fresh and growing amid the demands, conflicts, and just plain boredom of everyday life? In this book, you’ll discover the secret that has transformed millions of relationships worldwide. Whether your relationship is flourishing or failing, Dr. Gary Chapman’s proven approach to showing and receiving love will help you experience deeper and richer levels of intimacy with your partner.
About The Book: “Most people spend far more time in preparation for their vocation than they do in preparation for marriage.” No wonder the divorce rate hovers around fifty percent. This is not a book simply to be read. It is a book to be experienced. The material lends itself to heart-felt discussions by dating or engaged couples. To jump-start the exchanges, each short chapter includes insightful “Talking it Over” questions and suggestions.
About The Book: Within the pages of Sacred Marriage, Thomas invites you to see how God can use your relationship with your spouse as a discipline and a motivation to love God more and reflect more of the character of his Son. In addition to life-changing insights from Scripture, church history, and time-tested wisdom from Christian classics, you’ll find practical advice and techniques to make your marriage happier by becoming holier husbands and wives.
About The Book: It’s Jesus’s promise to you–the promise that you will live triumphantly. But what keeps you from really walking in the joy of the Lord? The powers of darkness attack us daily. But, as Dr. Neil Anderson shows in Victory Over the Darkness, you can have the power to conquer them by knowing who you are in Christ. This book spells out practical ways to experience Christian growth based on Christ’s promise.
Meet “Why” aka Benjamin and “Why Not” aka Kirsten as they discuss topics ranging from keeping the spark in your love story, to how to talk to your kids about race. Tune in to hear how they approached the crazy life of the NFL and mindfully apply biblical truth to their daily lives with their family. You will laugh and you may cry, but in the end their hope is that their different approaches to situations bless you and your family.
30 Minutes with The Perrys is a podcast with a whole lot of truth given in a short amount of time. Preston Perry and Jackie Hill Perry bring their humor, honesty, and insight into conversations on everything from relationships, theology, politics, race, and parenting. You won’t be disappointed.
Dr. Tony Evans is one of the country’s most respected leaders in evangelical circles. As a pastor, teacher, author, and speaker, he serves the body of Christ through his unique ability to communicate complex theological truths through simple, yet profound, illustrations. While addressing the practical issues of today, Dr. Evans is known as a relevant expositor. His podcast features his latest sermons that have been a blessing to our lives individually and as a union.
I will admit, I most certainly have a tendency to… let’s say, overcommit to some of my gospels. First and foremost? Philippians 2:3. You know, the part that says “Count others more significant than yourselves.” I can’t tell you how often I find myself run ragged trying to ensure that all those around me have what they need; nice clothes, exercise, balanced meals, spiritual enrichment, and this list goes on. Meanwhile, I push myself to the side, looking like a stray dog, overweight, body aching, eating cake for breakfast.
Set your intentions
The most important advice I can give is to be very strict when you set your intentions. Many people make the mistake of having goals that are too general, which makes it harder to determine if they have been achieved. Be clear with yourself and be clear with what you want to work towards.
Tier your goals
I divide all of my goals into three categories: daily, weekly, and monthly. By characterizing my goals this way, it allows me to scale my life and prioritize tasks within the larger picture of my needs. It also gives me a timeline for accomplishment. Without a deadline, or a scope of time, it would be harder to enforce the need to complete a task. I can repeat the short-term goals in my daily routine, and plan my month to achieve my longer-term goals.
Set an example
Sometimes it can be hard to determine what goals we are working towards. Look to your friends and people you admire to help develop your goal list. It can be the perfect inspiration to focus what direction you want to go in. Here is an example of my daily, weekly, and monthly goals to help get you started:
Daily
Spend at least 10 minutes outside
Give myself 5 minutes of alone time
Set aside time to spend with God (this can be listening to a song of worship, reading my bible, or listening to a sermon)
Hug everyone in my house, give them one compliment, and tell them I love them
Weekly
Set out the week’s clothes for the little people
Review the week’s calendar
Confirm the week’s appointments and calls
List and prepare the week’s menus
Clean an area on my organizing list
Monthly
Set future goals and timelines
Review next month’s tasks and goals to make any adjustments
Develop a list of professional goals
With tips like these, you’ll be checking your “to-dos” off in no time!
“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, every day.” – Noah (The Notebook)
This quote comes from a scene in The Notebook, (my favorite love story) where Allie and Noah have a huge argument. At this point, Noah expresses how willing he is to work through their disagreements because he wants her no matter what.
Marriage is the partnership between two sinful individuals—and sin plus sin typically does not equal perfection. Within marriage, I’ve been exposed to some ugly truths about myself. My flesh is wicked, constantly battling to overshadow the God that lives within me.
Naturally, we are flawed, selfish, impatient, and battling some sort of insecurity. While it’s easier to frequently be a finger pointer or the self-righteous one, I’m constantly reminded that the relationship is bigger than me. It’s bigger than us. Marriage was designed by God and we all know the enemy ain’t liking that! But marriage is for better or worse, and I have bound our vows around my neck and written them on the tablet of my heart!
Marriage has taught me that it’s crucial to pinpoint your enemy and your teammates. Being proactive and implementing guidelines to operate within is also vital. As I’ve stated before, I don’t necessarily enjoy team sports. I naturally flow better solo. But through marriage, I’m learning how to be an effective team player. Doing so has certainly strengthened my faith. It’s pushed me to rely on God and His truths. I choose not to rely on my own sinful ways, understanding, or strengths. When building a marriage that will last, know that it’s different from Hollywood’s love stories where the people dive off in the car and live “Happily Ever After”.
We never see the crisis they are faced with or how they balance all the things that come with life. Trials and hardships are a part of each of our lives individually, as well as our marriages. It’s inevitable, so establishing a plan of action is crucial for when things happen unexpectedly. We live in a world full of chaos and sin. How will you respond each time the enemy attempts to attack your marriage? Surrendering it all to God immediately should always be our first response.
Additionally, refuse to allow the schemes of the enemy to prevail. Stand firmly with locked arms, united hearts, and eyes fixed on the one who’s paid it all (the Lord). I often say marriage is like a Dorito chip, not the crumbled ones, lol. But with God at top and each of us working our way from the bottom up our individual side to Him, we won’t crumble. He will sustain us individually and collectively.
If you’re looking to strengthen your marriage, it’s important to first fuel your faith and know who’s number one, God. When you’re both pursuing Him earnestly, you can rise above all circumstances! Also, always seek wise counsel. Be consistent. When everything appears to be good, still check for cracks to seal that may or may not be visible.
I recall when we were engaged we made a vow to get marriage counseling every year regardless of how good we felt we were. It’s an ongoing investment to attempt to keep us on one accord. Life is a journey and marriage is a journey for life. As the days roll by I vow to constantly gain a greater understanding of my Husband, myself, and faith! I encourage you to pursue being a woman, man, and/or family after God’s own heart!
Until recently, I had never realized that good things, even Godly things, can become an idol. I realized this on a recent “rabbit trail” that God took me on through His Word. Have you ever had one of those times where you wanted to be in the Word, but you didn’t know where to begin? Perhaps, like me, you just started flipping through the pages asking God to speak to you. (I know this is not the best way to study God’s Word, but alas.) As I was doing this one day, I kept landing on verses about marriage and family. I wasn’t super clear on what God was trying to tell me, if anything, so I kept praying that He would speak to me and lead me in His Word.
A few days later, I had to miss church because I was sick. I decided I would listen to a Francis Chan sermon, so I went to good ole Google to search for one. Ironically, as I tried to search for a Francis Chan sermon, I kept finding articles and sermons about idolatry. I also started praying, flipping through the Word, and asking God to speak to me. Every page I landed on, the word “idol” would jump off the page at me.
“Ok God,” I thought, “maybe you want to talk to me about marriage, family, and idolatry?”
Eventually, I landed on a sermon by Tim Keller on idolatry and his book Counterfeit Gods (while searching for a Francis Chan sermon, go figure). I read part of Counterfeit Gods awhile back, so I grabbed that book and my Bible, opened up my journal and said, “God, here I am. Teach me.” He revealed some powerful and convictional things to me over the next couple of weeks about idolatry and my own heart.
I realized that when good things become “ultimate” things, they become bad things. But good, God-given blessings are often hard to identify as idols because they can be so subtle. Our hearts were made to run on God. He is the treasure of great worth and the greatest blessing of all. When his blessings become ultimate, they ruin us and rob Him of his glory. Our hearts were made to worship Him and be satisfied by Him supremely.
God also revealed to me a few litmus tests that exposed marriage and motherhood as an idol for me:
Identity
My identity was too wrapped up in my role as wife and mother. I was finding too much of my value and worth in these roles. When these areas of life were going well, all was well with my soul. But when these areas were difficult or not going the way I wanted, I was dejected, worried, depressed, or feeling worthless. When something or someone has that much power over your soul, you know it is an idol.
Focus
Too much of my mind and heart were focused on marriage and motherhood. These roles consumed the vast majority of my mind and heart space and had become my supreme treasure. I even went to the Word in order to find out how to be a better mother and wife, rather than primarily to commune with God and be a better daughter of His. Again, so subtle! Because seeking out to be a better wife and mother is a good, Godly, important thing. But it should never trump our primary role as worshiper and daughter of God.
Time
Being “selfish” with my time to commit every moment to family. I realized I was not even open to hearing God lead me in any other direction. I know there are seasons of life when there is not much time for anything but family, and I believe God has designed these roles to be our primary focus as women, especially over ourselves, our careers, or even ministry, but not over our focus on Him. However, I realized I was not even open to God’s leading into other aspects of service, whether that might be with our neighbors, at our church, or making disciples outside of my home.
Pride & Self-Centeredness
I found pride and self-centeredness surrounding my role as mother and wife. The roles of mother and wife are sanctifying, self-sacrificing ones, to say the least. If we allow it, God will use these roles as a vehicle to sanctify us and transform us into His image probably more than any other. Yet, self can still stay on the throne of our hearts even as we go about our self-sacrificing external actions. If we love and thrive on the position, authority, spotlight, attention, and praise surrounding whatever role we find ourselves in, it is probably an idol. If motherhood is an idol, praise and affirmation about our children or about our mothering will cause pride and exuberance to bubble up and effect the rest of our day. On the contrary, if we receive criticism about our children or mothering, we might feel ashamed, frustrated, even angry. Image and caring what others think about us and our family will matter a lot more as well.
Attitudes
Furthermore, our attitudes amidst our role as mother and wife will often reveal who (and what) is on the throne of our hearts. If we complain often and view our kids as a burden most of the time (the “martyr mom”), yet care about being seen as a humble, self-sacrificing mom who prizes her family and is an amazing mom and wife, self and family are probably on the throne. If we are growing more and more in cheerful, self-forgetful service to God and our family, filled with the fruits of the Spirit, while caring less and less about our image or what others think about our family, this reflects a humble, selfless heart where God is on the throne. Motherhood and marriage should be vehicles to bring glory to God, disciple, train, and raise up our kids in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, and serve, complement, and help our husbands. So often, we view our kids or spouse as trophies that will make us happy or look good.
So what is the solution to our pervasive problem of idolatry? I love what Tim Keller says about the only cure to idolatry in his book Counterfeit Gods: “What you need is an over-mastering, positive passion.” He goes on to say, “Jesus must become more beautiful to your imagination, more attractive to your heart, than your idol. That is what will replace your counterfeit gods. If you uproot the idol and fail to “plant” the love of Christ in its place, the idol will grow back,” (pg 172).
I pray that I will come to see and know Christ as what He is: the most beautiful, amazing, incredible blessing and treasure I can possibly behold and attain. He alone is worthy of praise, and He alone will satisfy. I praise God that He has allowed me to be a wife and a mother, but I pray those roles will take their rightful place and so bring more glory to Him and more joy to my life. Blessings!
The question I’ve been asked the most in the past 6 years has not been about my faith or redemption, my love for my family, nor my personal goals. It’s been, “How does it feel to be married to an NFL player?”
Usually, before I can answer the question (because I always pause) the answer is suggested for me. “I’m sure it’s…”
Then, I smile and give the answer that’s expected. “It’s awesome, such a neat experience.” I turn the conversation by adding, “But, it’s bigger than football for us. It’s our ministry.” That’s the part some are not interested in hearing about.
In the earlier years of my marriage, I would become startled, angry and offended by this question. One day, I even contemplated asking a lady, “Well, how does it feel being married to an adulterous engineer?” Now, I know that sounds extremely harsh, and it’s certainly not Christ-like, but I often wish people understood that my love for my husband is not conditioned by his occupation.
Many wouldn’t believe (or maybe you would) the questions I’ve been asked, the comments that’s been made towards my children and me, or how I’ve been treated because my husband goes to a job everyday that he loves.
I get it. There are some ladies who are all about “the status,” rolling in the dough, and basking in all the glory days. But guess what? I’M NOT HER! I am not a fan!
Don’t mistake me; I’m grateful for my husband’s success, the way he provides for our family, and the platform he’s been granted. But, when I see him walk through the door after a long days work I don’t see an NFL player. I see a man who loves and serves God with his entire life, a man who loves me as Christ loves the church, and a man who would lay down his life and walk away from IT ALL for the love of Christ, his wife, and his children.
So, how does it feel to be married to a Christian man who happens to play football? It’s amazing beyond words!
How does it feel being married to an NFL player? It’s challenging! Why? Because…
Stay tuned for another post on this coming soon!
Tamela Davis
Enjoy a space to connect, be empowered and educated to seek Jesus wholeheartedly, identify blind spots, seek growth, learn to love, forgive, laugh, cook amazing food, and understand that living the in the spotlight is not always roses & candy.
