Until recently, I had never realized that good things, even Godly things, can become an idol. I realized this on a recent “rabbit trail” that God took me on through His Word. Have you ever had one of those times where you wanted to be in the Word, but you didn’t know where to begin? Perhaps, like me, you just started flipping through the pages asking God to speak to you. (I know this is not the best way to study God’s Word, but alas.) As I was doing this one day, I kept landing on verses about marriage and family. I wasn’t super clear on what God was trying to tell me, if anything, so I kept praying that He would speak to me and lead me in His Word.
A few days later, I had to miss church because I was sick. I decided I would listen to a Francis Chan sermon, so I went to good ole Google to search for one. Ironically, as I tried to search for a Francis Chan sermon, I kept finding articles and sermons about idolatry. I also started praying, flipping through the Word, and asking God to speak to me. Every page I landed on, the word “idol” would jump off the page at me.
“Ok God,” I thought, “maybe you want to talk to me about marriage, family, and idolatry?”
Eventually, I landed on a sermon by Tim Keller on idolatry and his book Counterfeit Gods (while searching for a Francis Chan sermon, go figure). I read part of Counterfeit Gods awhile back, so I grabbed that book and my Bible, opened up my journal and said, “God, here I am. Teach me.” He revealed some powerful and convictional things to me over the next couple of weeks about idolatry and my own heart.
I realized that when good things become “ultimate” things, they become bad things. But good, God-given blessings are often hard to identify as idols because they can be so subtle. Our hearts were made to run on God. He is the treasure of great worth and the greatest blessing of all. When his blessings become ultimate, they ruin us and rob Him of his glory. Our hearts were made to worship Him and be satisfied by Him supremely.
God also revealed to me a few litmus tests that exposed marriage and motherhood as an idol for me:
Identity
My identity was too wrapped up in my role as wife and mother. I was finding too much of my value and worth in these roles. When these areas of life were going well, all was well with my soul. But when these areas were difficult or not going the way I wanted, I was dejected, worried, depressed, or feeling worthless. When something or someone has that much power over your soul, you know it is an idol.
Focus
Too much of my mind and heart were focused on marriage and motherhood. These roles consumed the vast majority of my mind and heart space and had become my supreme treasure. I even went to the Word in order to find out how to be a better mother and wife, rather than primarily to commune with God and be a better daughter of His. Again, so subtle! Because seeking out to be a better wife and mother is a good, Godly, important thing. But it should never trump our primary role as worshiper and daughter of God.
Time
Being “selfish” with my time to commit every moment to family. I realized I was not even open to hearing God lead me in any other direction. I know there are seasons of life when there is not much time for anything but family, and I believe God has designed these roles to be our primary focus as women, especially over ourselves, our careers, or even ministry, but not over our focus on Him. However, I realized I was not even open to God’s leading into other aspects of service, whether that might be with our neighbors, at our church, or making disciples outside of my home.
Pride & Self-Centeredness
I found pride and self-centeredness surrounding my role as mother and wife. The roles of mother and wife are sanctifying, self-sacrificing ones, to say the least. If we allow it, God will use these roles as a vehicle to sanctify us and transform us into His image probably more than any other. Yet, self can still stay on the throne of our hearts even as we go about our self-sacrificing external actions. If we love and thrive on the position, authority, spotlight, attention, and praise surrounding whatever role we find ourselves in, it is probably an idol. If motherhood is an idol, praise and affirmation about our children or about our mothering will cause pride and exuberance to bubble up and effect the rest of our day. On the contrary, if we receive criticism about our children or mothering, we might feel ashamed, frustrated, even angry. Image and caring what others think about us and our family will matter a lot more as well.
Attitudes
Furthermore, our attitudes amidst our role as mother and wife will often reveal who (and what) is on the throne of our hearts. If we complain often and view our kids as a burden most of the time (the “martyr mom”), yet care about being seen as a humble, self-sacrificing mom who prizes her family and is an amazing mom and wife, self and family are probably on the throne. If we are growing more and more in cheerful, self-forgetful service to God and our family, filled with the fruits of the Spirit, while caring less and less about our image or what others think about our family, this reflects a humble, selfless heart where God is on the throne. Motherhood and marriage should be vehicles to bring glory to God, disciple, train, and raise up our kids in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, and serve, complement, and help our husbands. So often, we view our kids or spouse as trophies that will make us happy or look good.
So what is the solution to our pervasive problem of idolatry? I love what Tim Keller says about the only cure to idolatry in his book Counterfeit Gods: “What you need is an over-mastering, positive passion.” He goes on to say, “Jesus must become more beautiful to your imagination, more attractive to your heart, than your idol. That is what will replace your counterfeit gods. If you uproot the idol and fail to “plant” the love of Christ in its place, the idol will grow back,” (pg 172).
I pray that I will come to see and know Christ as what He is: the most beautiful, amazing, incredible blessing and treasure I can possibly behold and attain. He alone is worthy of praise, and He alone will satisfy. I praise God that He has allowed me to be a wife and a mother, but I pray those roles will take their rightful place and so bring more glory to Him and more joy to my life. Blessings!
This morning, as I continued my organization task from yesterday, I began to notice all the substitutions we have and use regularly.
Because of our children’s allergies, we use dairy substitutes. With personal health preferences, we also use some sugar substitutions or essential oils instead of medicines. Out of curiosity, we have some meat substitutions as well. In addition to that, I have been a substitute teacher before. I’ve even substituted for my husband with calls and meetings. The list goes on. Strolling throughout the house, blasting my worship music, I noticed that there are a number of things we use daily that serves in place of something else.
Substitutions… alternatives… the words were briefly stuck in my head.
As I sang along with one of my favorite worship songs, something dawned on me that I really hadn’t thought of in the previous moments.
Jesus was the substitution for me! I processed how He took my place on the cross, laying down His life to set me free. I rightfully deserve what He endured, but he willingly endured it all for me.
Wow! Think about that for a moment.
I absolutely love that we have alternatives for allergies, medications, diets, etc. — but I’m most grateful for Jesus, the perfect One, becoming an alternate for me at Calvary.
The question I’ve been asked the most in the past 6 years has not been about my faith or redemption, my love for my family, nor my personal goals. It’s been, “How does it feel to be married to an NFL player?”
Usually, before I can answer the question (because I always pause) the answer is suggested for me. “I’m sure it’s…”
Then, I smile and give the answer that’s expected. “It’s awesome, such a neat experience.” I turn the conversation by adding, “But, it’s bigger than football for us. It’s our ministry.” That’s the part some are not interested in hearing about.
In the earlier years of my marriage, I would become startled, angry and offended by this question. One day, I even contemplated asking a lady, “Well, how does it feel being married to an adulterous engineer?” Now, I know that sounds extremely harsh, and it’s certainly not Christ-like, but I often wish people understood that my love for my husband is not conditioned by his occupation.
Many wouldn’t believe (or maybe you would) the questions I’ve been asked, the comments that’s been made towards my children and me, or how I’ve been treated because my husband goes to a job everyday that he loves.
I get it. There are some ladies who are all about “the status,” rolling in the dough, and basking in all the glory days. But guess what? I’M NOT HER! I am not a fan!
Don’t mistake me; I’m grateful for my husband’s success, the way he provides for our family, and the platform he’s been granted. But, when I see him walk through the door after a long days work I don’t see an NFL player. I see a man who loves and serves God with his entire life, a man who loves me as Christ loves the church, and a man who would lay down his life and walk away from IT ALL for the love of Christ, his wife, and his children.
So, how does it feel to be married to a Christian man who happens to play football? It’s amazing beyond words!
How does it feel being married to an NFL player? It’s challenging! Why? Because…
It’s learning the power of healthy boundaries and saying no. That not every outstanding ministry opportunity is for me to commit to.
It’s accepting that I don’t need a huge, immaculate home to create the life I desire for my family and to be a servant, mentor, or entertainer.
It’s understanding that no matter what I do, I can’t and don’t need to please everyone. As long as I’m pleasing Him, everything else will follow.
It’s coming back to the heart of worship where everything I do is all about my Father, for His glory.
It’s taking the standards of the world (family and friends included) off myself and replacing them with the standards of God. Not “gaining the world and losing my soul.” (Matthew 16:26)
It’s living in light of the Gospel daily. Tim Keller says, “The gospel is this: we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.” God’s love is unconditional and I don’t need to become a better version of me to receive all that he has to offer. It’s a free gift from Him.
It’s letting the Holy Spirit guide my life, not my flesh: I love what Romans 8:5-6 says: Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. I have found this so true that when my mind is governed by the flesh, life feels unrestful, complicated, and empty.
It’s not trying to be the co-author of my own life, for my story is already written and it’s far greater than anything I could attempt to write on my own.
It’s learning the importance of having a “Mary heart in a Martha’s world.” Sitting at his feet. Resting in Him. Trusting His purpose, plan, and process.
It’s surrendering everything to Him: thoughts, emotions, and actions.
It’s being in the Word daily and seeking to walk in obedience.
I think the simplicity God is calling me to can be summed up in the word abide. As Jesus says, “Abide in me, and I in you” (John 15:4). Keep company with Jesus in simple and pure fellowship, devotion, and intimacy. Stay near to Him in vital connection. This is the greatest privilege we have! Like I said, it’s not easy with the myriad of distractions from without and within, but it is simple and leads to life and fruitfulness!
The year of 2016 was a chaotic year for our family. We relocated into our 4th house in four years, moved to Cleveland to start a new job with our second NFL team, welcomed a baby girl (making us outnumbered with 3 kids under 3), attempted to maintain other relationships, accepted ministry opportunities (which didn’t always align with our schedule) — and the list goes on.
One morning, as I sat drinking my coffee, I began to reflect on the past 5 years of my life.
Wow, things had really changed!
I was no longer a single graduate student working 2 jobs while juggling classes and a social life. I am now a wife (of an NFL player), mom to 3 babies, a professional mover, loyal friend, mentor, entertainer, servant, chef, and Christian (just to name a few). While I love my life and roles, I find in my heart a desire for a little individual success to compete with my husband’s. Sometimes, other people make me feel as if my roles are insignificant. It often feels like an emotional war is being waged in my mind and heart, and my self-esteem is deteriorating.
As I reflected on the tensions I felt, I realized that I did not have enough boundaries. The only people I found myself saying no to were God (“not right now”), my husband (“my way is better”), and myself (“you’re ok, continue to pour into those around you, you’ll rest and enjoy life later”).
I was drained. I’d been giving all of me to various things and people while forgetting to take care of myself, trust my husband’s leadership, and draw closer to God.
I’ve always been a people pleaser who put a lot of focus on my image, but it had multiplied tremendously with these new responsibilities. Although I’m a Christian and know God’s truth and commands, I was falling short daily. Why? Because I was attempting to maintain a Christian life while submitting to the world’s standards. I felt divided. I felt guilty about the platform God gave my family and I. I was looking around trying to find fulfillment in my roles or blessings. Day after day, night after night, I was coming up empty.
The smile I wore with family and friends was contagious, but the emptiness on the inside was depressing. “How did I end up here? I didn’t sign up for this. I want my old life back,” I would think. The battle of comments and questions with myself got even deeper. Then I came to yet another realization. I ended up here because I unconsciously insisted on making my life complicated. Of course, I didn’t just sit down one day and say, “I’m going to make my life as complicated as possible.” But I did unknowingly make daily decisions in light of that.
Life could have been simple, but it became complex when time and time again I tried too hard to please others and make them happy. It became complex when I stopped embracing the moments in front of me and instead focused on the future. It became complex when I spent more time attempting to create perfect moments than I did to simply enjoy them. It became complex when I spent countless hours trying to maintain a perfect image as a wife, mom, homemaker, and friend, forgetting that God loves me unconditionally right where I’m at and sees me as perfect because I am united with Christ (the only Perfect One). It became complex when I utilized a tremendous amount of energy and time having pity parties, being a fault-finder of others, and trying to fit into the NFL lifestyle, all while trying to manage the perfect home-life that I now submit doesn’t exist.
As I got to the end of my coffee, I felt a peace I hadn’t felt in a long time. Why? Because in that small moment GOD revealed to me that it was time for me to simplify. He revealed to me that the life he created for me was simple (though not easy!), and I had been making it too complicated.
Enjoy a space to connect, be empowered and educated to seek Jesus wholeheartedly, identify blind spots, seek growth, learn to love, forgive, laugh, cook amazing food, and understand that living the in the spotlight is not always roses & candy.
